Christian Bale. Yum.

Christian Bale. Yum.

When I get famous, if you try to pump me for money, I will hurt you.

I’m not sure how yet – as I’m a large sally – but I will hurt you.

Unless, of course, you give me some supplementary income right now, then we can possibly work out some sort of arrangement.

Anyway, I am going to defend Christian Bale’s actions from when he was involved in an altercation in 2008 with his mother and sister before the London premiere of “The Dark Knight.”

Rumors flew that his family was pumping Bale for money, among other things.

Apparently, they still aren’t speaking.

Now, his mother Jenny and sister Sharon are still crying to the press.

“He just exploded with anger like I have never seen,” said Jenny. “He never gave us a chance to find out what it was all about before he frog-marched us out of his suite. He’s not talking to us, it’s not the other way round. He has changed his phone numbers, and he ignores the letters, emails and birthday cards I send.”

She went on to say:

“As awful as that night was, and although I rack my mind every day about what could have made him behave like that, I’d happily forget it happened if we could go back to being a family. That’s the most important thing. We miss Christian terribly. But it’s been more than 18 months now and it’s hard to see how this will ever end.”

Translation: Christian, they haven’t paid the mortgage since September.

Oh, and postscript: You called the cops on him and sent him to jail the night of the altercation.

But I’m sure your Christmas card just got lost in the mail.

And now that you’re spreading his private life to the media, I’m positive he’ll call the post office and see what the holdup is.

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