Kanye West

Kanye West and Justin Bieber had a nice little Sunday.

You know, doing burly things like Tweet-sexting.

Kanye was listening to Bieber, Bieber was stroking Kanye’s, um, ego. It was a good old-fashioned gangbang.

Babbling about collaboration, talking about a shared love the others’ tunes, giggling in mud masks while heating up the bubble bath…

GET A ROOM!

Their future shared green room only asks for two ingredients: Super-plus tampons (Kanye has a heavy flow) and Proactiv (Justin’s like 14 or something).

Well, Rod Stewart, 65, squeezed a lone sailor through Penny Lancaster’s 39-year-old uterus.

The rocker and his model/photographer wife are expecting a second child, making it eight for Rod.

Hey Rod, my great grandpa called. He wants his balls back.

Snooki

Snooki (Nicole Polizzi) of “Jersey Shore” said she’s “too pretty to be in jail.”

The Jersey girl was arrested last month for disorderly conduct.

Well, sweetheart, sometimes things don’t work out the way Oprah tells us.

Just look at me. I’m too damn hot to be poor but “Bouncing Many Checks” is my Indian name.

And also, define “pretty.”

Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber

Nothing like ELLE magazine pimping out a little statutory rape.

Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber appear in a photo spread frolicking in the Bahamas in the September issue of the magazine.

The shoot took inspiration from, “The Graduate,” a 1967 film about a young man who has an affair with an older woman.

In one picture, 16-year-old Bieber takes a photo of the 29-year-old Kardashian as she struts around in lingerie.

I feel all warm and fuzzy inside just like I did when I snapped my fibula in half and shattered my ankle.

Brody Jenner

Brody Jenner shaved an “A” into his freshly-mowhawked hair.

Um. Abracadabra? Asinine? Antidisestablishmentarianism?

Oh. Avril.

“The Hills” dude has been dating rocker Avril Lavigne for a few months.

How sweet.

P.S., I found your testicles on Rodeo Drive next to the man-bag shop. Tell me the “A” is for “alcohol” and I’ll give them back to you.

Linda Hogan and Charlie Hill

Remember those grade school dances when the nuns put balloons in between dance partners in order to leave room for the Holy Spirit? No?

Damn you for not being a Catholic schoolgirl/boy.

Remember when your high school lover gave you a promise ring and you two little tramps vowed to stay together forever? (Losers.)

Well, 50-year-old Linda Hogan and her 21-year-old boyfriend Charlie Hill traded promise rings, according to her son, Nick.

Oh dear. Halt the commentary. I just dry-heaved in my trashcan thinking about him hitting that saggy, leathery ass.

Nicole Eggert

What do you call four life-sized raisins holding watermelons?

“Back to the Bay.”

Stay tuned. It’s riveting.

Former red-suit wearing, big-boob bouncing “Baywatch” broads Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Gena Lee Nolin and Donna D’Errico, are reuniting for a “docu-comedy” where they will star as themselves living together in a beach house.

The leathery thirty-forty-somethings will be sagging around doing stupid shit – like things I don’t care about. And other stupid shit. Like things I really don’t care about.

“These amazing women have all embraced the nostalgia of the ‘Baywatch’ phenomenon,” the producer said. “[They] are ready to show us all how to have a blast again.”

If by “have a blast” you mean wash a heartburn pill down with a white wine spritzer, then color us there. I just Sharpied it into my DVR lineup.

For the 17 of those who care, let’s get this out of the way: Heidi Montag filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt on Friday.

Next.

For everyone else, Laurence Fishburne’s daughter made a sex tape.

Oh boy. Daddy is pissed.

Montana Fishburne, known also as Chippy D, said her dad isn’t speaking to her.

“I heard that he’s mad at me but I haven’t spoken to him yet,” Montana said.

Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us.

Well, and everybody else who reads the cover: “An A-List Daughter makes her XXX debut.”

Hold, please. I lost my train of thought. All I can think about is the nailer screaming to the nailee: “Chippy D! Chippy D!”

That must be one hot porn.

Madonna

Madonna took a break from deep-throating a silo of steroids to shoot her latest film, “W.E.”

She co-wrote and is directing the film, which is about some woman’s journey somewhere to do something. Whatever.

Let’s discuss her directorial debut in 2008 with “Filth and Wisdom.” Actually, let’s discuss the official movie poster for the flick.

On the top third of the banner, it read in large red letters (larger than the title of the film): “A film by Madonna.”

Madge. Using your name to sell the useless horseshit you call cinema is cheating. Stop trying to wipe the floor with your ex, Guy Richie. You’re embarrassing all of us.

Now go work out. It’s been like three hours.

Jen Aniston and Courtney Cox Arquette

What happens when Courtney Cox’s overacting gets bogged down with dust and public disdain?

Ding, ding, ding! She enlists her high-profile best friend to do the dirty work.

Jennifer Aniston is nearing a deal to guest-star in an episode of “Cougar Town” this fall.

Sidebar: I’ve never seen the show, for aforementioned reasons. Maybe it’s riveting. I’ll take your unfortunate-tasting word for it.

Aniston to self:

“Self. I’m having ‘Dirt’ flashbacks. Can this bitch stop being typecast? My orthorexic ass is sick of pulling her anorexic ass out of this unwavering loop.”

Cox to self:

“Self. If you bribe that famewhore to guest star by offering up your daughter twice a week, she’ll boost your ratings. Plus maybe she’ll stop bitching about getting knocked up.”