Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson

In an effort to real in ratings, The Oscars snatched – not only Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson to present an award at the Mar. 7 show, but…

Wait. Go to the bathroom first, I don’t want to be responsible for soiled pants.

Ready?

Miley Cyrus!

Talk about cinematography gone sophisticated.

I am so taping this show.

And yes, I said taping, as in with a VCR and a VHS blank tape.

Don’t hate. I like to call myself vintage.

(Oh, and Zac Efron will read nominations too. But I’m not making fun of him because I have a crush on him. Yeah, I said that out loud.)

Jennifer Love Hewitt and friends

Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt and some homies decided to look like morons for her birthday celebration.

Yeah. You look stupid.

Lisa fat lips Rinna

Oh help me.

I am perplexed with where to start with this one.

Lisa Rinna is slamming Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery procedures.

Hmmm.

Seriously. I’m confused. Please advise.

Rinna said when the Montag cover of People magazine arrived in her mailbox, she took the cover off to protect her 11 and 8 year olds.

“We have two girls. I dont think it is something you want to bring in the house and say, ‘Oh, look.’”

However, those poor girls are subjected to staring at mommy’s puffy, frozen face all day.

Oh yes. ALL the livelong day.

We feel your pain. When she shocks the screen with her TV Guide channel spots, my dog even runs out of the room whimpering.

Rinna, queen of the lip plumping, has admitted to many procedures in the past, including breast implants.

Her husband, Harry Hamlin even decided to chime in:

“Well, you know, that magazine has changed so much. I was actually on the cover a few times [in the ‘80s]. In those days, they had stories about people who hadn’t had their faces cut open. They had stories about things that were really going on. I don’t know. I mean, plastic surgery?”

Firstly, thanks for showcasing to us  how cool you are with shameless self-promotion.

Man, you are cool. Like, totally Steve Perry cool. No, scratch that. Like LUKE Perry cool.

Secondly, um. Hmmm. Can someone help me out here?

As far as I know, Hamlin is not legally blind. Apparently Rinna must wear a bag over her head when he’s in the room.

Smart man.

I mean, we all despise Montag like the next mammal, but before casting stones, perhaps take a quick gander in the mirror, Rinna.

I said quick!

Now apologize profusely to the poor mirror for giving it a run for its money.

Ah! Not that one.

Well, shit. What’s done is done. Best of luck to you in seven years.

Super. Now I’m going to have nightmares of Lindsay Lohan and Dick Tracy mating and making scary babies. (No offense to you Dick. But hey! Lindsay likes your name. Well, she 50 percent likes it.)

The worst part of the dream is when they kiss and her lips pop.

I know — you’d think it was filled with collagen, but no. No. No.

Vodka Redbull.

In said dream, she collected the booze drink into a sippy cup and then fed it to the scary babies.

Oh dear. Pass the Ambien. Am I still talking?

Elisabetta Canalis and George Clooney

George Clooney’s girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis will be getting dumped in 5… 4… 3… 2…

Canalis is in talks to appear in a recurring role in the TNT drama “Leverage.”

Honey, Clooney does *not* date women who appear on TNT.

The Italian model is reportedly going to play a mysterious international secret agent.

Please.

Next up, she’ll appear alongside David Caruso in “CSI: Miami.”

What a cheese ass.

Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods

Mark your calendars.

Tiger Woods is scheduled to publicly apologize on Friday after his November car crash that spurred rumors of numerous affairs, according to his agent.

Um. Do we care? Don’t apologize to us, buddy.

He’s just trying to save sponsor face.

The agent’s statement said that he “will be speaking to a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates,” and will “discuss his past and his future and he intends to apologize for his behavior.”

We should be the ones apologizing to his wife, Elin Nordegren.

Good idea, Hollywood Headaches.

Elin, we are sorry your man-whore husband was putting into dozens of holes. We’re equally sorry that you had no idea. We utmost apologize that you have become close friends with that scalpel that has been scraping your insides to ensure a disease-free uterus. And finally, Elin, we are most sorry said scalpel has not yet bought you a drink. After all this intimate time with the tool, it could at least drum you up a martini.

The press conference will not be an “open media event,” but we’ll hear about it.

Oh, we’ll hear about it.

Mischa Barton

Like Louie Armstrong played the trumpet, I’ll hit dat bong and break ya off something soon, I gotta get my props, cops, come and try to snatch my crops. These pigs wanna blow my house down.

Whoa. Sorry, got a little distracted. I just got high looking at Mischa Barton sucking on that joint.

Oftentimes when I get fake high from looking at pictures of marijuana, I like to bust into Cypress Hill song. Good times.

You should have heard it in person.

Anyway. Mischa, might I suggest obtaining a medical marijuana card? You have the hospital records and the documentation. Might as well make it legal.

Especially if you’re going to be smart about it and smoke it behind the wheel of a convertible on (probably) Sunset Blvd.

Sheesh. Do you people learn anything from me?

Now pass the gummy worms.

Lady Gaga

Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah-ah. Ro-ma-ro-ma-ma. Ga-ga-oh-la-la.

What a bad outfit.

OK, that didn’t quite rhyme with romance, but who’s listening anyway.

This is Gaga’s get up for yesterday’s Brit Awards in London.

It appears she stuffed a monk and the Bride of Frankenstein in a blender and topped it off with bleach.

Hailey Glassman

As much as we want to see Jon Gosselin trip into a pile of untreatable STDs, it’s common knowledge that publicly insulting your exes’ manhood will backhand the hell out of those rosy cheeks somewhere down the line. Both sets.

It’s just not cool.

Hailey Glassman, Gosselin’s ex, destroyed the father of eight in an interview with Steppin Out magazine:

“He was so small I didn’t think he would cheat on me.”

“He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy.”

She even claims he measures up to “3 inches” and “would laugh about it” with her mom.

She babbled on, and said “anybody who sleeps with him will notice. It’s very noticeable. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny.”

Firstly, Hailey, who are you?

Secondly, Hailey, who are you?

Thirdly, Hailey, who are you?

Oh right. You’re the Z-lister who got interviewed by Steppin Out magazine.

Steppin who? Precisely.

She’s climbing those Hollywood ranks like Tara Reid’s skin is scraping the pavement. Good times.

On a lighter note: Good luck getting laid again, Mr. G.

Khloe Kardashian

They never learn.

Khloe Kardashian is discussing making a sex tape for her hubby, Lakers star Lamar Odom.

However, the tape will be el solo. Just her and her hands. Or battery-operated toys.

Khloe, honestly, let’s talk about a time when a sex tape was kept private.

Time’s up.

Never.

It will get in the wrong hands. It will spread on the Internet. Your stepfather Bruce Jenner and your brother Rob Kardashian will see you in all of your glory.

Gross.

Here’s the plan. You be a has-been in a couple years, so hold off until then. It’s a sure-fire way to get back on the map.

Smooch.