Christian Bale. Yum.

When I get famous, if you try to pump me for money, I will hurt you.

I’m not sure how yet – as I’m a large sally – but I will hurt you.

Unless, of course, you give me some supplementary income right now, then we can possibly work out some sort of arrangement.

Anyway, I am going to defend Christian Bale’s actions from when he was involved in an altercation in 2008 with his mother and sister before the London premiere of “The Dark Knight.”

Rumors flew that his family was pumping Bale for money, among other things.

Apparently, they still aren’t speaking.

Now, his mother Jenny and sister Sharon are still crying to the press.

“He just exploded with anger like I have never seen,” said Jenny. “He never gave us a chance to find out what it was all about before he frog-marched us out of his suite. He’s not talking to us, it’s not the other way round. He has changed his phone numbers, and he ignores the letters, emails and birthday cards I send.”

She went on to say:

“As awful as that night was, and although I rack my mind every day about what could have made him behave like that, I’d happily forget it happened if we could go back to being a family. That’s the most important thing. We miss Christian terribly. But it’s been more than 18 months now and it’s hard to see how this will ever end.”

Translation: Christian, they haven’t paid the mortgage since September.

Oh, and postscript: You called the cops on him and sent him to jail the night of the altercation.

But I’m sure your Christmas card just got lost in the mail.

And now that you’re spreading his private life to the media, I’m positive he’ll call the post office and see what the holdup is.

Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson reportedly has a man-crush on Zac Efron.

Efron sang Pattinson’s praises on the red carpet Sunday night at the Oscars.

“He’s absolutely amazing,” Zac said. “I think he’s making great choices. I think he’s handling it all really well, but you know, he’s a superstar. He really deserves all this.”

Get a room.

And then tell me where said room is.

I’ll totally be the bologna, jelly, ham, peanut butter, cheese or Nutella in the middle of that sandwich. Whatever you dudes want.

Sean Hayes

Sean Hayes, known from playing Jack from “Will & Grace,” has just dropped an enormous bombshell.

Ready?

He has finally admitted to “The Advocate” that he is gay.

Say it isn’t so!

Sean, you had us at 1998’s pilot.

In his defense, he said he is not comfortable with outwardly discussing his sexuality.

“When I play a gay character I want to be as believable as possible. And when I’m playing a straight character I also want to be as believable as possible. So the less that people know about my personal life, the more believable I can be as a character.”

He also said:

“I am who I am. I was never in, as they say. Never… Why would you go down that path with somebody who’s done so much to contribute to the gay community? That was my beef about it. What more do you want me to do? Do you want me to stand on a float? And then what? It’s never enough.”

Good for him. Hugs and ass smacks Sean.

Matthew Broderick, Macaulay Culkin, Ally Sheedy, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, Jon Cryer and Anthony Michael Hall

People.

Judd Neslon wore a jean jacket, fingerless gloves, diamond earrings and combat boots in “The Breakfast Club.”

In the past, he often donned shaded spectacles.

This man has only sported ordinary solely a handful of red-carpeted times.

The sudden onslaught of a worldwide panic attack over the actor’s appearance at Sunday night’s Academy Awards show during the tribue to late director John Hughes is just silly.

So he had rounded and shaded glasses with a goatee.  This signature look for Johnny Depp garners nothing but  swoons.

As for Nelson, the gossip goats  necessitated mouthfuls of Xanax as their world was thrown into disarray for a lack of Gucci.

Hollywood Headaches will speak for Nelson: Eat his shorts.

The creepy one on that stage Sunday night was Anthony Michael Hall.

Red hair and braces suit that man far superior to tough guy overdosed on follicle-filled lemon juice.

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake

Relax. It’s for a film.

Get out the tissues and bitchslaps.

Justin Timberlake and ex-girlfriend Cameron Diaz will star opposite one another in “Bad Teacher.”

OMG that is like, so, crazy! They totally, like, broke up and stuff. I wonder if it’s going to be, like, awkward and all.

We’re adults here, people.

The only person allowed to ignore ex-boyfriends for life is Hollywood Headaches. Unless, of course, the ex bears a gift of something pretty and shiny.

Like a bottle of whiskey. It’s a tough heart to win over, my friends.

“Bad Teacher,” also starring Jason Segel and Molly Shannon, has Diaz playing a sailor-mouthed high school teacher who goes after a coworker’s boyfriend, who coincidentally is *gasp* Timberlake.

Such drama, I tell you.

Naomi Campbell

It’s like an infant’s nursing cycle.

Or Matthew McConnaughey’s days sans shirt.

Or Rip Torn’s empty whiskey bottles.

See the correlation here? All frequent occurances, or scores of things, if you will.

All much like Naomi Campbell’s assault record.

She allegedly slapped and punched the driver of her Cadillac Escalade in Manhattan today, then ran from the scene.

The supermodel is now wanted by the police for questioning.

Let’s take a look at that delicate little flower’s past.

2008: Campbell pleaded guilty to assaulting two police officers after an airline lost one of her bags.

2007: Campbell threw a mobile phone at her housekeeper for allegedly taking a pair of her jeans.

2000: Campbell pled guilty to assaulting an assistant.

Heed this advice: Don’t work for this rabid, bloodthirsty woman.

Actually, I wish to retract that statement.

Work for her.

When you get assaulted, drain the bitch dry. Just make sure she leaves a mark(s). Cuts, bruises, scrapes, welts, gashes and bumps will be good friends.

Dave Grohl

“I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m crossing my fingers that Shelley Duvall plays me…. Shelley Duvall in ‘The Shining,’ that is my face, you cannot get any closer than that,” Dave Grohl, of Foo Fighters and Nirvana fame, said to People magazine when asked who should portray the rocker in a proposed Kurt Cobain biopic.

Shelley Duvall

Well in that case, maybe Courtney Love should play Kurt.

Ugh.

I’m so sorry Kurt, please don’t rattle my cabinets, flicker my lights and blow in my ear at night.

Scratch that. You can blow in my ear at night.

But I do apologize for that horrid statement. I just washed my mouth out with Irish Spring whipped my wrists with a wooden ruler.

Jon Voigt and Angelina Jolie reunite

It appears Angelina Jolie dropped her teenage angst and reconciled with her estranged dad, Jon Voigt.

Now if she could drop her “I’m cooler than you but act way cooler so as to not seem cooler than you while altogether being way cooler than you,” act.

Oh, and dropping those thin blonde highlights in brown hair look would be super as well.

Jolie stopped talking to her dad in 2002 when he publicly stated that she had “serious mental problems.”

Now, Voigt is ecstatic to be a part of the royal family’s life.

“Angie and I have been in contact on the phone and by email for some time now,” Voight said. “We’ve been working towards a full reconciliation for a while. Angie had to feel it was the right time to bring me into the lives of her and the kids and after some work she decided the moment had arrived.”

Courtney Love

Just in case you needed help in getting that last bite of your sandwich up, Hollywood Headaches is always here to help.

This is Courtney Love at a Roberto Cavalli show in Milan over the weekend. It looks like she got inflated by a helium tank, chewed up by a rat and spit out into a pile of Mary Kay. She’s such a pretty little flower.

Akon and Lady Gaga

“She’s pretty much retired me.”
– R&B singer Akon, on hitting the jackpot by signing Lady Gaga to his record label.

But more importantly, why is this quote attached to a photo of Akon and a drag queen?