Hollywood Headaches

Kat von D and Jesse James make an ugly couple

[caption id="attachment_2399" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Kat von D"][/caption] Jesse James and Kat von D are lovers these days. Dude. Have you seen that broad? She is not the most attractive person. Calm down, I agree she seems like a pretty cool chick and damn, the girl can draw. It’s just. Well. Kind of not the most attractive couple I’ve seen. Hey! Stop yelling at me. If you erase their tattoos and makeup, we may need a couple of brown paper [+]

Paris busted for cocaine in Vegas

[caption id="attachment_2394" align="alignleft" width="281" caption="Paris Hilton's third mug shot of the decade. Someone's looking a little high. "][/caption] Good ol’ Pareeeee was busted for having cocaine in her purse in Vegas over the weekend. I’m almost as shocked as when I saw Lady Gaga in pants last week. Paris Hilton was with her herpes-flavor-of-the-week when cops detected “the strong smell of marijuana coming from the vehicle.” As her BF Cy Waits failed sobriety tests (sidebar: what the hell kind [+]

Courtney Love’s makeover

[caption id="attachment_2390" align="alignleft" width="199" caption="Courtney Love "][/caption] I wouldn't exactly call it a makeover, Bob. ("Office Space," laymen.) Courtney Love actually looks 75 percent better than she usually does. So I guess I won't be that mean. However, I did just get a phone call from my grandma and she is pissed. She wants her scarf back. [+]

Chelsea Handler to host MTV VMAs

[caption id="attachment_2387" align="alignleft" width="238" caption="Chelsea Handler"][/caption] Sweet! Chelsea Handler will be hosting the MTV Video Music Awards Sept. 12. I want to be her when I grow up. Booze, sex and wit. I’ve got two of those and the other one only costs 12 bucks a handle. [+]

Sean Penn is looking sexy

[caption id="attachment_2383" align="alignleft" width="154" caption="Sean Penn. I think. "][/caption] Damn, Glenn Close grew some sideburns. Wait. That's Sean Penn in Dublin shooting a scene for his new film, “This Must Be The Place.” Sexy? Um. Right. [+]

Lady Gaga is ‘Twitter queen’

[caption id="attachment_2379" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Gaga"][/caption] Six Grammy nominations, one of Time magazine’s most influential people in the world, 13 million albums and 51 million singles sold. So bloody what. Lady Gaga is now reigning “Twitter queen,” as she calls herself. Yeah. Take that. She just surpassed Britney Spears over the weekend with more than 5.7 million followers. When I get famous (yes, I said “when”), I shall aspire for the title of whiskey queen because that is the only thing that [+]

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren divorce

[caption id="attachment_2375" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods"][/caption] Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have finalized their divorce. Dammit, I had such high hopes for that ideal pair. Well at least now he can go crazy in other womens’ pants. Oh. Wait. Nordegren initiated the divorce, according to court papers, writing the marriage was “irretrievably broken.” She should have irretrievably broken his face. [+]

Trailer park Hasselhoff

The roast of David Hasselhoff oozed a conglomeration of unadulterated Hollywood charm. Pamela Anderson, Jerry Springer and Hulk Hogan mocked their dear friend for his alcohol troubles and the infamous drunken cheeseburger video Sunday night on Comedy Central. Meanwhile, Kid Rock and David Spade manned the afterparty fire pit in the Walmart parking lot. Denise Richards and Tara Reid mixed up some SPAM salad and boilermakers in American flag bikinis as Britney Spears organized the nude mud pig [+]

Sly Stallone is causing world testosterone overload

Boys. Clean up that drool. You look like idiots. Go lube up in some Axe, play PlayStation, sharpen your knives and drink beer. Or whatever that man shit is that you do. Sylvester Stallone said in his "mind's eye," he has plotted a sequel for "The Expendables." Aw. I feel fuzzy inside. The testosterone-laden dude flick (about blowing shit up, or whatever the hell they squandered the budget on) will have a brother. Stallone told The Hollywood Reporter that [+]

Tyra’s in trouble

[caption id="attachment_2364" align="alignleft" width="271" caption="Tyra Banks"][/caption] Tyra Banks is getting heat for an "America's Next Top Model" trailer on the CW. Apparently a 6'2" model contestant -- who has an extremely small waist, so small, in fact, that Miss J. locked both of his hands around her -- is stirring up controversy. Although Tyra apologized, naturally she attempted to skirt the blame. "With all the work and details that go into producing a TV show, I can't be 100 [+]