“She’s pretty much retired me.” – R&B singer Akon, on hitting the jackpot by signing Lady Gaga to his record label. But more importantly, why is this quote attached to a photo of Akon and a drag queen?

In an effort to real in ratings, The Oscars snatched – not only Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson to present an award at the Mar. 7 show, but… Wait. Go to the bathroom first, I don’t want to be responsible for soiled pants. Ready? Miley Cyrus! Talk about cinematography gone sophisticated. I am [...]

Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt and some homies decided to look like morons for her birthday celebration. Yeah. You look stupid.

Oh help me. I am perplexed with where to start with this one. Lisa Rinna is slamming Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery procedures. Hmmm. Seriously. I’m confused. Please advise. Rinna said when the Montag cover of People magazine arrived in her mailbox, she took the cover off to protect her 11 and 8 year olds. “We [...]

Super. Now I’m going to have nightmares of Lindsay Lohan and Dick Tracy mating and making scary babies. (No offense to you Dick. But hey! Lindsay likes your name. Well, she 50 percent likes it.) The worst part of the dream is when they kiss and her lips pop. I know — you’d think it [...]

George Clooney’s girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis will be getting dumped in 5… 4… 3… 2… Canalis is in talks to appear in a recurring role in the TNT drama “Leverage.” Honey, Clooney does *not* date women who appear on TNT. The Italian model is reportedly going to play a mysterious international secret agent. Please. Next up, [...]

Mark your calendars. Tiger Woods is scheduled to publicly apologize on Friday after his November car crash that spurred rumors of numerous affairs, according to his agent. Um. Do we care? Don’t apologize to us, buddy. He’s just trying to save sponsor face. The agent’s statement said that he “will be speaking to a small [...]

Like Louie Armstrong played the trumpet, I’ll hit dat bong and break ya off something soon, I gotta get my props, cops, come and try to snatch my crops. These pigs wanna blow my house down. Whoa. Sorry, got a little distracted. I just got high looking at Mischa Barton sucking on that joint. Oftentimes [...]

Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah-ah. Ro-ma-ro-ma-ma. Ga-ga-oh-la-la. What a bad outfit. OK, that didn’t quite rhyme with romance, but who’s listening anyway. This is Gaga’s get up for yesterday’s Brit Awards in London. It appears she stuffed a monk and the Bride of Frankenstein in a blender and topped it off with bleach.

As much as we want to see Jon Gosselin trip into a pile of untreatable STDs, it’s common knowledge that publicly insulting your exes’ manhood will backhand the hell out of those rosy cheeks somewhere down the line. Both sets. It’s just not cool. Hailey Glassman, Gosselin’s ex, destroyed the father of eight in an [...]