What? You shut your mouth. I don’t watch “Dancing with the Stars.”
Who said that?
Fine, so maybe I have a once or twice.*
And those “few” (cough) shows I’ve perused, that SaMANtha Harris hostess chick, oh man, she is annoying.
That poor frog in her throat has been croaking to be released from her stiff neck for decades.
Good [...]

Tila Tequila is retiring from Hollywood.
Was she even employed by Hollywood?
“I’m gonna miss u guys! But I have to be a Mommy now so I retire from Hollywood!” she posted on Twitter. (Yes, she’s knocked up.)
No more Tila! Party at Hollywood Headaches’ house!
I’ll provide the Lil Smokies and the Easy Cheese if you bring the [...]

Will Ferrell and his wife Viveca Paulin welcomed a third child today.
They named him Axel.
Yeah. Seriously.
Even more depressing is his eldest child is named Magnus. Poor kid.
The middle one is Mattias. Now that, we can handle.
I think he borrowed Thor’s Norse mythology journal, smoked a blunt while opening the contents and pointed to the first [...]

Top ‘o tha mornin’ to ya! Bust out the bagpipes, Joe Jonas is about to do a little jig in his plaid suit!
Fine, it’s not that bad, but I had to poke fun at someone this moment, and those Jonas boys always come through for me.
Thanks JoBros, Kisses and diseases. Hollywood Headaches.

Denise Richards told Oprah on Tuesday that it’s “a sad situation” that Charlie Sheen was in jail on Christmas.
Yeah. I bet you were crying.
We saw those kegs roll in.
We saw those Charlie Sheen life-sized cardboard cutouts with bullseyes adorning the face.
We saw those truckloads of bows and arrows parading through.
And don’t even think we didn’t [...]

LeAnn Rimes performed a “love song” during Sundance Film Festival festivities, in which she said: “This song is going to make me cry.”
Said song appears to be about her breaking her ex-husband’s heart by cheating on him with Eddie Cibrian.
She then ironically busted into another song, “God Takes Care of Your Kind.”
What’s this about, you [...]

In promoting his new flick, “When in Rome,” Josh Duhamel told Parade that he doesn’t believe in love at first sight.
“I’m not a huge believer in love at first sight, but I think that when it is right, often it’s somebody that you had that feeling about when you first met them.”
Well, clearly.
Have you seen [...]

No, that is not your 45-year old tennis instructor.
No, that is not a grandma who overdosed on botox.
No, that is not a drag queen in a moo moo.
I’m not precisely sure what that is, but Brooke Hogan needs to not wear it ever again.

Over the weekend, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith got on a loudspeaker at a California Home Depot store and belted out portions of “Dude Looks Like a Lady” and “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” all while taking hits off a helium tank and singing in a chipmunk voice.
Yeah. Sounds about right.
Hey, let the man [...]

When Julie Bowen, of “Modern Family,” was asked how she got back into shape after recently having twins, she said:
“Laxatives and vomiting. They dont give you any chance to eat.”
She’s funny. And has a potty mouth. I would like to be her friend.