Dear celebrity rag sheets,
Your obsession with Kate Winslet’s former “chubby” self is skimming near grating.
Yes, quotes are often tagged on the star — like, “I was bullied for being chubby,” and touting the nickname “Blubber” as a child — which have surfaced in June’s issue of Britain’s Marie Claire magazine.
Let’s ponder. Perhaps because you moron [...]

“17 Again” star Zac Efron has been named one of Time magazine’s “The Most Influential People In The World,” among the Obamas, Oprah and Brad Pitt.
He can influence my Friday and Saturday night if he wants to.
What? Oops, is he legal? My bad.
But really, Zac, meet me on the Atomic Cowboy on East Colfax in [...]

Please tell me these will be permanently stapled to their faces. And offer them extra helpings of delicious swine.

We’re in dire need of a muzzle. Miss U.S.A.’s first runner-up, Carrie Prejean, has a leaky mouth. But, wait. Is it legal to silence the “superior”?
The Miss California contestant stired the pagent when she said gay couples should not be allowed to marry.
“I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man [...]

Susan Boyle’s makeover: This captivated zillions. Really?

Kim Kardashian’s blonde hair: OMG. Screw the swine flu journalists, Kim went to the salon!

Look! They legalized marriage between a plastic doll and a Summer’s Eve feminine douche:

This world has come so far!

Look celebrities, if you want to be a stripper, just scantily appear at the (insert seedy local strip joint here). I’m sure manager JimBob has an hour slot screaming your name. Pun intended?
These days, a stripper role in Hollywood seems to be more coveted than a  copy of the rental cult flick,  “Showgirls” in 1995.
But [...]

Indian police are investigating the father of child star of “Slumdog Millionaire,” Rubina Ali, who was rumored in attempting to sell the 9-year-old girl to an undercover reporter.
The reporter said the father, Rafiq Qureshi, was demanding the equivalent of $400,000.
Buddy, you could have made this a lot easier on yourself.
Follow these steps next time: Call [...]

Armenian rump is taking over E!
And my sense of serenity.
Since Kim Kardashian’s ego (and large-scale appendages) frequently monopolizes “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” sisters Khloe and Kourtney have spun off into a new reality series, “Kourtney and Khloe in Miami.”
The show will debut on E! in August and follow the sisters through some overacted drama [...]

The pair of inflatable lips that incessantly pushes all up in Hollywood’s piece was urged by a Playboy photographer to stop working out weeks before  the magazine photo shoot.
Lisa Rinna, a self-proclaimed workout fiend, missed three weeks of working out and she said she had to remind herself that “it’s OK to eat.”
Don’t be alarmed, inflatables just [...]

Amy Winehouse and Snoop Dogg got together in Los Angeles last year to record music together, but the pair were too stoned to finish any of the tracks, reported Britain’s The Sun.
In breaking news, I can’t believe it’s not butter.
You missed her, didn’t you?
“They were working at a frenetic pace at first but as the [...]