Paris Hilton's third mug shot of the decade. Someone's looking a little high.

Good ol’ Pareeeee was busted for having cocaine in her purse in Vegas over the weekend.

I’m almost as shocked as when I saw Lady Gaga in pants last week.

Paris Hilton was with her herpes-flavor-of-the-week when cops detected “the strong smell of marijuana coming from the vehicle.”

As her BF Cy Waits failed sobriety tests (sidebar: what the hell kind of a name is “Cy”?), Hilton was escorted into a nearby hotel “to prevent her from being molested by the growing crowd.”

Sidebar deux: Paris, the only crowd that would molest you would be a shack full of STDs and bedbugs.

Paris proceeded to open her purse to put on some lipstick, when a nice little baggy of cocaine fell out of her purse and into the officers’ hand.

Neat.

But guess what?

The purse wasn’t hers.  It was borrowed from a friend.

Right.

Paris doesn’t borrow. She buys a superior duplicate and has her assistant embellish it with cheese-grated diamond dust.

It’s a hard task, but someone has to work minimum wage to do it.

Courtney Love

I wouldn’t exactly call it a makeover, Bob. (“Office Space,” laymen.)

Courtney Love actually looks 75 percent better than she usually does. So I guess I won’t be that mean.

However, I did just get a phone call from my grandma and she is pissed. She wants her scarf back.

Chelsea Handler

Sweet!

Chelsea Handler will be hosting the MTV Video Music Awards Sept. 12.

I want to be her when I grow up.

Booze, sex and wit. I’ve got two of those and the other one only costs 12 bucks a handle.

Sean Penn. I think.

Damn, Glenn Close grew some sideburns.

Wait.

That’s Sean Penn in Dublin shooting a scene for his new film, “This Must Be The Place.”

Sexy? Um. Right.

Gaga

Six Grammy nominations, one of Time magazine’s most influential people in the world, 13 million albums and 51 million singles sold.

So bloody what.

Lady Gaga is now reigning “Twitter queen,” as she calls herself.

Yeah. Take that.

She just surpassed Britney Spears over the weekend with more than 5.7 million followers.
When I get famous (yes, I said “when”), I shall aspire for the title of whiskey queen because that is the only thing that follows me. Not that I’m complaining.

Not even a little bit.

Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have finalized their divorce.

Dammit, I had such high hopes for that ideal pair.

Well at least now he can go crazy in other womens’ pants.

Oh. Wait.

Nordegren initiated the divorce, according to court papers, writing the marriage was “irretrievably broken.”

She should have irretrievably broken his face.

The roast of David Hasselhoff oozed a conglomeration of unadulterated Hollywood charm.

Pamela Anderson, Jerry Springer and Hulk Hogan mocked their dear friend for his alcohol troubles and the infamous drunken cheeseburger video Sunday night on Comedy Central.

Meanwhile, Kid Rock and David Spade manned the afterparty fire pit in the Walmart parking lot.

Denise Richards and Tara Reid mixed up some SPAM salad and boilermakers in American flag bikinis as Britney Spears organized the nude mud pig wrestling.

Boys. Clean up that drool. You look like idiots.

Go lube up in some Axe, play PlayStation, sharpen your knives and drink beer. Or whatever that man shit is that you do.

Sylvester Stallone said in his “mind’s eye,” he has plotted a sequel for “The Expendables.”

Aw. I feel fuzzy inside. The testosterone-laden dude flick (about blowing shit up, or whatever the hell they squandered the budget on) will have a brother.

Stallone told The Hollywood Reporter that his team of wash-ups helped make the movie a success.

“I always say that if you are a star — even a faded star — the light never goes out. You just need to rekindle it.”

Dolph Lundgren and Steve Austin may need a new wick accompanied by a blowtorch. Maybe some lighter fluid too.

Postscript, Rambo, is your “mind’s eye” a talking cartoon machine gun on anabolic steroids, nestled atop those unnaturally arched eyebrows?

Neat. That’s what I thought.

Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks is getting heat for an “America’s Next Top Model” trailer on the CW.

Apparently a 6’2″ model contestant — who has an extremely small waist, so small, in fact, that Miss J. locked both of his hands around her — is stirring up controversy.

Although Tyra apologized, naturally she attempted to skirt the blame.

“With all the work and details that go into producing a TV show, I can’t be 100 places at once (although I try), but it’s just impossible for me to see everything that’s created before it’s released to all of you,” she wrote on her Web site.

I really don’t see what the issue is here, Tyra. You decide where you want to be and tell your forehead to man the remaining 99 places.