Kelly Ripa can’t exercise for weeks. Whew.

Kelly Ripa has a stress fracture on her right hip.

She said on “Live with Regis and Kelly” that she can’t exercise for three to six weeks.

Whew. That exercise bulimic can finally soften that sinewy man-bod a bit feminine.

Yeah right. I’m sure she’s been stressing that fracture for hours on end doing sit ups.

Psycho.

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Paris Hilton buys a Rolls-Royce

Monday, Paris Hilton bought a $300,000 Rolls-Royce.

Monday, I bought Ramen noodles and pilfered some hot sauce from Taco Bell. Shh. I have a reputation to uphold here.

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Washed-up celebs sing Beatles’ ‘Let it Be’

David Faustino

It’s a supergroup! Almost like 1985’s cast of “We Are the World.” Or Them Crooked Vultures. Or Cream!

Yeah, not really.

An assortment of about 40 random celebs got together to sing the Beatles’ “Let It Be” as a promotion for some Norweigian talk show.

Glenn Close, Huey Lewis, Tonya Harding, Bud Bundy from “Married With Children,” Theo from “The Cosby Show,” Right Said Fred, Carlton from “The Fresh Prince” – and some other homies that were “famous” before you were born are on the lineup.

Rumor is circulating that they were duped into thinking it was for charity, according to David Faustino (Bud Bundy).

Rumor is circulating that I don’t give a shit.

Good talk.

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‘Prince’ of Kabuki suspended for drunk bar fight

A star of Japanese theatre – known as the “prince” of Kabuki (all-male theater mixing music, dance and acting) – got suspended from performing for calling in sick.

And by calling in sick, we mean getting in a shitfaced bar fight.

Wait. What’s the quandary?

Oops. Sorry boss.

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Buy Queen Elizabeth II’s panties. Gross.

Looking for holiday gifts this season?

For only $9,000, you can get your boyfriend a pair of cobweb-laced granny panties.

“Baron” Joseph de Bicske Dobronyi manhandled Queen Elizabeth II’s knickers after she left them on a private plane in 1968. Now they can be yours for one installment of $9,000.
His estate is putting the underwear up for sale at an auction house in England.

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Jane Fonda wants to be on Reality tube

Jane Fonda told the Associated Press she wants a TV series.

Well we want a channel on the remote that lacks an infestation of aged celebrity washups paying their near-foreclosed mansion off with an insignificant reality series about an existence only 13 loafers give a shit about.

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Keith Urban tells Oprah rehab scared his marriage to Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were married for four months when he checked into rehab for drug and alcohol addiction in 2006.

Urban told Oprah that he was afraid a stint that early on would destroy the couple.

Actually, Keith, those pansy blond highlights and soul patch should be the concern.

Age 43 is not the new 98 Degrees.*

Wait. Maybe it is.

Just get a haircut, fool.

*Remeber Nick Lachey’s boy band. No? Right.

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Lindsay Lohan dumped from ‘Inferno’

Lindsay Lohan has been replaced in the Linda Lovelace biopic, “Inferno.”

“We have stuck by Lindsay very patiently for a long time with a lot of love and support,”  director Matthew Wilder told E! News. “Ultimately, the impossibility of insuring her — and some other issues — have made it impossible for us to go forward.”

Wait. You’re saying she’s not insurable? No.

Since when did erratic behavior and run-ins with the law equal uninsurable?

Look at me, I’m still insured.

Oh well. I still find humor in her ill fate.

Access Hollywood reported that Malin Akerman will replace Lohan.

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Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin’s store robbed for a third time. I cry publicity stunt.

Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin’s store, Belle Gray, was robbed for a third time within months.

Who? Bear with me.

Once last month when the couple appeared on the “Today” show; twice, six days later; three times a lady.

Um. I mean the third time was on Monday.

You know what’s neat? There’s this nifty thing I saw at McGuckin’s Hardware last week. It’s called a lock. You get a key with it and everything. Sometimes even two keys!

The contraptions range from heavy-duty security to the cheap change-for-your-ex-boyfriend kinda lock. It’s pretty neat.

Harry has denied the break-ins as publicity stunts for their  “Harry Loves Lisa” TV Land show.

I bet.

“If I was going to do a publicity stunt for ['Harry Loves Lisa'], I would get a big balloon and I would put the whole family in it and then I would get lost somewhere over the Pacific,” Hamlin told Access Hollywood after the first break in. “I’m not gonna rob a few things from my store. I’d think a little bit bigger than that.”

Well, Harry. We are not at all opposed to the idea of you forever floating over the Pacific.

In fact, we encourage it.

However, you’ll want to get a bigger balloon. Lisa’s cumbersome lips – with their layers of hardened sillicone – will weigh down the poor, floating fella.

Sidebar: If one is going to visit Belle Gray to make a clothing purchase (or solely to rob it) beware: Housed on a wall sits a life-sized glossy of Rinna and her brawny lips cackling. Oh dear. Hold me.

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‘N Sync reunion? Yeah right. Lance Bass wishes.

At the American Music Awards Sunday night, Lance Bass discussed an ‘N Sync reunion (among hype of the Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block tour).

“I don’t see it in the cards because Justin (Timberlake) is very busy with his film career. When his schedule slows down, I’d love to do it.  I love being on stage,” Bass said.

Right.

That’s precisely what JT ponders about while stroking his six Grammys and two Emmys nightly.

Not only has the successful singer made a genius foray into comedy – with stints on Saturday Night Live, bits with Andy Samberg’s Lonely Island and film roles – he has also delved into dramatic acting.

There is one thing that could possibly sway the boy back to his blond-tipped band roots: Bringing ‘fro back.

What? Them other boys don’t know how to act. (“Sexy Back.” No? Crickets?)

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